Since attending Abounding Solutions’ conference, Quietly Visible, in September I have been reflecting a lot about my style of leadership over the years and whether being an introvert has been more costly than I’d realised. I first completed the Myers- Briggs personality psychometric test at the age of 18, not long after starting at University of North Wales, Bangor where I read Theology, and have over the years repeated the test. Up until my mid-40s, my reported personality type always came out the same. An ESFJ (an extrovert with an eye for detail with the impact on others as my guide for making decisions and a preference for structure, closure and organisation). I owned my extroversion. I saw myself as the life and soul of the party. I enjoyed being surrounded by people. My work was centred around being in the limelight, always at the beck and call of others. A passion for people. Or so I thought.
In 2008, I experienced a major change in my life. One that was to impact me and my family significantly. From 1992 – 2008 I had exercised a pastoral ministry as a priest in the Church in Wales. I had been a curate, a chaplain and a parish priest. I extroverted, extroverted, extroverted. Looking back there were times of complete exhaustion. Boundaries of work and home were blurred to say the least. As a vicar in a parish, everyone feels they own a little piece of you. Being all things to all people was an impossible task but one I felt I had to try at least to fulfil.
When I resigned from the Church in Wales in 2008, I was adrift for quite a while. I had lost my role, my purpose and identity. I realised that the life I had been living was not my own. It was a difficult and anxious time. I would find myself standing outside the school gates, not as Vicar Mandy, but as one among many mums doing what mums do. I had no point of reference, no sense of who I was. I didn’t know how to make small talk. I didn’t want to be part of the mums who went for coffee after school drop off. This wasn’t me but if not this, then who was I?
It has taken me a long time to find out who Mandy Williams really is as opposed to Vicar Mandy and the journey continues. I found myself needing more time to myself, sometimes avoiding social situations for the sake of my wellbeing, thinking more inside my head than externalising my thoughts. And I did this as part of recovery and discovery. Recovery from years of serving without limits and of rejection from the church I had cared so much about. Discovery of who I actually am under the cloak of priesthood, of my true essence as an individual. It has been an interesting and challenging process and continues to be. Part of that discovery has been revisiting my MBTI type. When I completed the questionnaire about 2 years ago, I came out as an ISFJ. It was like a homecoming, a relief to have validation as an introvert, something I had begun to realise and grow into.
This discovery has been life changing. I make sure I have time for myself, that my work is paced and has boundaries. This has been helped hugely. I am now owning my introversion.
As I reflect, I wonder what kind of priest I might have been had I understood myself better from an earlier age but I didn’t and there’s little point in regretting this now. Over the last 10 years, I have learnt to exercise that introverted leadership. It has made me an exceptionally good listening, a great coach, an effective facilitator and a real advocate for introverted leaders out there, who feel, as I do, that we are swimming against a tide of extroversion, whilst trying to be confidently, quietly visible. My colleagues learnt to give me time to think before making decisions, to know that I would speak in meetings when I had something important and relevant to say and my team knew I was there for them when they needed to offload.
I would love to hear your views of introverted leadership and whether this resonates with you. If you haven’t read Carol Stewart's, Quietly Visible, I would highly recommend it.
Comments